


My Fair Detective

by SCFrankles



Category: My Fair Lady (1964), Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Community: watsons_woes, Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Musicals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 05:09:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4047283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/pseuds/SCFrankles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watson bets Holmes that he can't turn an ordinary policeman into a consulting detective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Fair Detective

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Watson's Woes May Prompt: [Holmes and Watson: The Musical](http://watsons-woes.livejournal.com/1258240.html). (Just made it ^^")
> 
> Holmes and Watson were created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
> 
>  _My Fair Lady_ was written by Alan Jay Lerner, from the play _Pygmalion_ by George Bernard Shaw. Music by Frederick Loewe. (As well as messing around with their songs, I've pinched a few lines verbatim ^^")
> 
> * * *

**SCOTLAND YARD, 1894**

_Int. Holmes and Watson enter._

 

**HOLMES:**

All I want is a crime somewhere  
Some unholy, dark affair  
Please someone commit murder!  
Oh, wouldn’t it be loverly?

Lots of clues there for me to find.  
Subtle traces left behind.  
Show off my enormous mind!  
Oh, wouldn’t it… be… loverly?  
Loverly…

 **WATSON:** _(raises eyebrows)_ “Loverly”..?

 **HOLMES:** _(firmly)_ Loverly.

_They approach Lestrade._

**LESTRADE:** Good morning, Mr. Holmes. Good morning, Doctor. Nothing for you today, I’m afraid.

_Holmes looks downcast, reaches inside his coat for his cocaine bottle and there is a brief struggle as Watson fights to take it from him. Watson eventually succeeds, and tucks it away in his own coat. Holmes and Watson give each other very hard looks._

**LESTRADE:** Yes. Well. _(clears throat)_ We will contact you as soon as there is a suitable case. You know how we appreciate your help with the tricky ones, Mr. Holmes. There’s no-one who can solve a mystery like you.

 **HOLMES:** _(stops glaring at Watson and stares at Lestrade)_ Nonsense! Anyone could do what I do, if he only applied himself and learnt my methods.

 **LESTRADE:** I’m not sure that’s true…

_Holmes has been attempting to slip his hand into Watson’s coat and retrieve the bottle. Watson slaps his hand away._

**WATSON:** You know, Holmes, I think Lestrade’s right. I don’t think you would be able to take one of the Yard’s detectives and turn him into a master of deduction. Say… in the time before your next case..?

 **HOLMES:** _(affronted)_ Yes, I could!

_Watson turns away and smiles a little in triumph. He turns back._

**WATSON:** Well, prove it then! Pick an policeman.

_Holmes looks about._

**HOLMES:** All right. I will pick that prett— that smart-looking young man over there.

_He strides over to a uniformed policeman._

**HOLMES:** What is your name, Sergeant?

_The sergeant looks up in surprise, and smiles._

**HOPKINS:** It’s Hopkins, sir.

 **HOLMES:** Hopkins! I am going to turn you into a consulting detective!

_Dramatic pause._

**Hopkins:** Oh. Right.

 

 

**221B, BAKER STREET**

_Int. Holmes, Watson and Hopkins are gathered in the sitting room. Hopkins is wearing a dressing gown and sitting down; Holmes is poised by a blackboard with a map of Britain drawn on it, Watson next to him._

**WATSON:** _(whispers)_ I don’t see why you had to burn all his clothes.

 **HOLMES:** He must look the part—a new outfit is on the way!

_Watson shrugs and goes and sits down next to Hopkins._

**HOLMES:** Time for the first lesson. _(He points to the board.)_ In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, horrible homicides hardly happen.

_(pause)_

But luckily there was one in Harrow we can have a look at.

_(He erases what’s on the board and begins drawing a diagram of the crime scene.)_

So. A judge was poisoned at a banquet. Attending were his wife, who sat next to him _(Holmes chalks a cross)_ ; a selection of his colleagues _(Holmes chalks many crosses)_ ; sundry ladies and gentleman _(Holmes goes wild with the crosses)_ ; and his waiter: a newly-released poisoner from Pinner who blamed him for his long incarceration and apparently fainted into his plate during the main course. _(Holmes chalks a firm cross.)_

_Holmes turns to Hopkins._

**HOLMES:** Who was the murderer?

 **HOPKINS:** The waiter! He placed the poison into the food when he “fainted”.

_Holmes rolls his eyes._

**HOLMES:** Really, Hopkins. Would you eat food that somebody had rubbed his face in? Do try and think…

 **HOPKINS:** _(slowly)_ The sinner from Pinner... fell mainly on the dinner.

 **HOLMES:** Have you got it? I think he’s got it!

 **HOPKINS:** The sinner from Pinner fell mainly on the dinner!

 **HOLMES:** So who would have offered to share her plate..?

 **HOPKINS:** His wife! His mate!

 **HOLMES:** And what was the resultant state?

 **HOPKINS:** A grisly fate! Grisly fate!

**HOLMES & HOPKINS:**

The sinner from Pinner fell mainly on the dinner!  
The judge was murdered by a sheer beginner!

_Much laughter from all three men._

**WATSON:** Well done, Hopkins!

 **HOLMES:** I think that is enough for today. _(looking at his pocket watch)_ It is rather late. Hopkins, would you like to take the couch tonight?

 **HOPKINS:** Thank you. That’s very kind.

 **HOLMES:** Then the doctor and I will bid you good night.

_Holmes exits._

**WATSON:** Good night, Hopkins. Sleep well.

_Watson exits._

**HOPKINS:** Oh, but I couldn’t sleep tonight!

I could have solved all night!  
I could have solved all night!  
And still have studied more.

I could have spent more time  
Considering a crime  
Containing hate and gore.

I’ll never know how I began deducing.  
Why all at once my brain took flight.

I only know when he  
Began to solve with me  
I could have solved, solved, solved all night!

_Lights abruptly go out._

**HOPKINS:** Dear God! _(sound of him tripping over and falling heavily)_

 **VOICE OF MRS. HUDSON:** Good night, Mr. Hopkins.

 

 

**NEXT DAY. CRIME SCENE.**

_Ext. The body of an elderly woman lies on the ground with Gregson and Lestrade gazing down at her. Holmes and Watson stand a little distance away with Hopkins, Hopkins resplendent in a new suit._

**WATSON:** _(to Hopkins)_ You look splendid. I would hardly have recognised you!

 **HOPKINS:** Thank you, Doctor. _(He considers the suit nervously.)_ It’s just, my uniform was police property…

 **HOLMES:** Don’t worry about that, Hopkins! You are a detective now! Time to show what you can do.

_The three of them walk towards Lestrade and Gregson._

**LESTRADE:** _(looking suspiciously at Hopkins)_ Who’s this then?

 **HOPKINS:** Sir, it’s me, Ho—

 **HOLMES:** This is my protégé! He will solve this case for you!

 **GREGSON:** This is very irregular…

 **HOLMES:** When have I ever let you down?

_Gregson opens his mouth. Behind Holmes, Watson gives a little shake of the head._

**GREGSON:** Well, I suppose it will do no harm for him to have a quick look. To be honest, I do not believe a crime _has_ been committed. Looks like natural causes to me.

_Holmes gestures to Hopkins, who nervously moves forward to examine the scene with a magnifying glass._

**HOPKINS:**

I have often walked on patrol before  
But never investigated deaths before  
But let the killer try to weave an alibi!  
Knowing I’m on the street with a lead.

Gregson, Lestrade—they don’t bother me  
I have it on excellent authority  
I can solve the case and put them in their place.  
Because I’m on the street with a lead!

_Hopkins straightens up._

**GREGSON:** Well?

 **HOPKINS:** It is my belief they done the old woman in.

 **LESTRADE:** “Done her in”..? What makes you say that?

 **HOPKINS:** Look at her head!

_Everyone looks._

**GREGSON:** I can’t see anything!

 **HOPKINS:** No! Because there isn’t anything!

_Holmes smiles but the others look puzzled._

**LESTRADE:** You are not making any sense, young man.

 **HOPKINS:** Where is her hat? A respectable elderly woman wouldn’t be outside without one. And what I say is, them as pinched it, done her in.

 **GREGSON:** Astounding! You’re quite right! I must offer my congratulations, Mr…. er…

 **HOPKINS:** I was trying to say earlier, sir. It’s me—Stanley Hopkins!

 **GREGSON:** Gracious!

 **LESTRADE:** _(turning to Holmes)_ So you’ve won your bet, Mr. Holmes!

_Turns to Hopkins._

**LESTRADE:** And I am recommending you for a promotion!

_He beckons to Hopkins, and they go off to one side to discuss things._

**GREGSON:** You did a marvellous job with Hopkins.

_Holmes inclines his head, acknowledging the praise. Watson beams._

**GREGSON:** Pity you couldn’t manage the same with Dr. Watson really...

_Watson gives him a very hard look and Gregson quickly exits._

_Lestrade exits too, and Hopkins returns to join Holmes and Watson._

**HOLMES:** Hopkins! Will you come for a celebration?

 **HOPKINS:** I’m afraid I can’t, sir. You see…

I’m getting promoted in the morning!  
Hooray, my pay is going to climb!  
Put away the brandy; make mine a shandy!  
To get me to the Yard on time!

I’m going to be a new inspector  
Investigate a lot of crime.  
So put back the stopper! I must be a sober copper  
To get me to the Yard on time!

 **HOLMES:** Are you sure though? I’ve got cocaine!

 **WATSON:** What the hell are you doing?

 **HOLMES:** Trying to find a vein!

**HOPKINS:**

No, I’ve got to be there in the morning  
My career is entering its prime!  
Thanks for your instruction; it led to my induction.  
And got me to the Yard, got me to the Yard  
Got me working at the Yard full time!

_Hopkins exits dancing. Holmes looks downcast._

**WATSON:** Cheer up, Holmes. You won the bet—you turned a humble policeman into a master detective.

 **HOLMES:** _(sighs)_ Yes, I suppose so. It’s simply…

I've grown accustomed to his looks, accustomed to his voice  
Accustomed to his face…

 **WATSON:** _(frowns)_ You only met him yesterday.

_Holmes shrugs._

**WATSON:** Come on, let’s get you back to Baker Street.

_They turn to exit. Hopkins comes back._

**HOPKINS:** Mr. Holmes!

_Holmes turns in surprise._

**HOPKINS:** I could celebrate maybe on my night off… The Nag’s Head, 7 o’clock?

_Holmes gives him a thumbs-up and a big grin. Watson sighs and rolls his eyes._

 

_Reprise of “I could have solved all night”, Mrs. Hudson, Lestrade and Gregson coming back on to join Holmes, Watson and Hopkins. They all take a bow!_

 

 

 

  **The End**

 

_(Audience makes a run for the box office to demand their money back.)_


End file.
